forever yellow

creative and joyous
giggling and affectionate
chubby little arms wrapped around Daddy
smiles and sweetness
forever

she is sunshine
she is happiness
a heart of pure yellow

rare vulnerable flashes
are quickly disguised
with protective indifference;
a trick learned too young

caring and comforting
a soul soother for all
she is
forever
yellow

a glimpse of jem

i saw a glimpse of jem
yesterday

i saw her
before she saw me
seeing her

a white dress
dark straightened hair
smooth and perfect
still glowing from a jamaican tan
and eyes so blue the sky was jealous

like a bride
but more beautiful

she is leaving high school
leaving home
leaving childhood

she is a contradiction to me
i see her as a woman
on her graduation day

but i close my eyes and she is
only six years old
knocking on my patio door
asking to play with Teddy

i close my eyes and she is
only seven years old
drawing me pictures and writing me stories

i close my eyes and she is
only eight years old
walking down the aisle holding her little sister's hand before me
dressed in white

i miss how she held her belly
when something was so funny

and she laughed
and laughed

grief and joy become one

at this moment

in her white cap and her white gown
standing with her friends
on the cusp of true adulthood

i saw a glimpse of jem
yesterday

and she was beautiful

Guns and Bombs

We sit in the Walmart McDonald's by the window
waiting for fast food delight

Baby Summer in her highchair
"bro" she says, pointing at Jaevin
"do i get a toy? do i get a big mac? daddy didn't order me the right thing!" he chatters
excitedly and loudly

so loudly that he drowns out
the
drone of a man talking on the speaker

i don't pay attention at all to the man
someone needed here
someone being paged
price check, please

but why does the man keep talking?
why does he talk in a too calm voice?
why is darren looking at me with a smile when his eyes are alarmed?
why are the old ladies at the front of the restaurant running out?
why is the family beside us grabbing their food and children and leaving?

WHAT IS THE MAN SAYING?
SHHHHH....Jaevin.........shhhhh......Mommy needs to hear!

"Attention Walmart shoppers. We ask you to quickly evacuate the store immediately. Sorry for the inconvenience, and we will reopen as soon as possible."

my god, i can't get my baby out of the high chair!
she's stuck
darren so calm and still smiling, strained,
"we need to get out of the store"

i know, i know,
but
i can't get the baby

i try four times and can't get her out,
yet he does in

one

quick

moment


"i'm hungry mommy! what's going on?"

i grip his tiny hand so hard i feel his bones

i do not want to lose him

guns, i think,
please let us get out, please let my babies out

i know i am panicking but i try to be calm for my babies

i look back and darren is holding summer and is talking to the
mcdonald's manager

give me the baby , i think i say, but probably shout
i hug her close and hold him tight and do not let go

we are separated from their daddy
but i get them out

jaevin picks up the panic....
he sees police
he sees people running
he sees police cars parked on the curb
he doesn't see daddy
he cries and runs to the window and sees darren leaving mcdonalds
i grab him
"away from the window!"
i think of stray bullets

i hold them too tight
but not tight enough
they probably have bruises

relief comes
i can breath
i can see him again,
darren
he made it out

bomb threat he says quietly

but jaevin hears
he doesn't understand


we walk away from the building and get in our van
i watch people
standing
wondering
praying
curious
excited
incredulously some bitching
they can't finish their
shopping
not realizing they are lucky to be finishing their
lives

the employees, a stream of blue blazers, exit together
they walk across the parking lot and stand huddled
checking lists and following
procedure

jaevin questions and questions and
i
don't
know
the
answers


how do i explain
without terrifying him?

it is over now

there wasn't an explosion
but my son's innocence was shattered

mass consumption will continue
back to the norm


but i wonder
is it the norm for me to immediately assume GUNS when being evacuated from a building
instead of assuming FIRE?

how can i explain that to my children?

Pieces of Me

i am in demand
constantly
i rush from promise
to
promise
and break the pact to
myself

lists piled high
covering
old lists
with few scratch marks or
check marks

one thought or idea
pushes another forward,
yet still another back

reality and idealism
hide brain mines
stress blast off

i am constantly caught in a
in between world
of
what they need me to be
and what
i need myself to be

i can be all
sometimes

i can be none
sometimes

but always
i am grieving
for the one i am not

Jamaica

A beautiful country
Ocean so warm and blue
waves roll up and wash away sadness

forever
they will crash on white sand

we are only given a
secluded
glimpse
behind glass windows
and
sheltered
accommodations.

"no problem"
"yeah, mon"
they say with big smiles

the contrast of large black hands
reaching out to
his tiny white hands
connecting
with
"respect"

they dream of getting out
and moving to a "better" place
not the US
but Canada

they wash our linens and
throw away the scraps
leftover from a selfish gluttony of self-indulgence
yet must pay for their meals
out of their meagre pay

most are oblivious to the pain of the country
ordering free drinks and complaining about the stink of the
country's national dishes and delicacies
"this is gross" they say,
without trying,
as they gulp
rum and
fried foods made to soothe
north american egos

yet still they smile at us
as though we are better
because we live in those
better countries
where opportunities are overflowing
and poorness is obsolete
we represent a
better life
they believe


we bargain with the people as they persuade
a purchase
to
feed
and
look after their families
"you don't like my stuff?" they ask when we walk away with empty hands
they do not believe we are not rich
we
after all
come from
the "better" world of "dreams"
"how annoying" most of us say loudly and offensively,
yet they do not seem to take offense
they must move on to the
next
tourist
possibly wanting to bring home souvenirs
at dirt cheap prices

i feel bad and my vacation
is plagued by guilt

how can they smile so at us and
cater to
even the rudest people
why
don't they resent
the waste and demands
of an impatient society
interrupting
their slow paced jamaican ways
they cater to us
they serve us
and
make us feel like the elite
yet
north american arrogance is prevalent
as we complain
"can you believe they are asking for a tip?"
when
the more astonishing question is
why
do most need
to be prompted to show sincere appreciation
or
worse
why do some lack
kindness or tact
"this is ALL- INCLUSIVE, mon"

i feel embarrassment as a driver looks away
yet it is the tactless
that should feel
the
shame

looking out windows
loudly
commenting
on
run-down shacks
and
bumpy streets
sometimes even
laughter and smirks

yet the drivers and guides
are silent and humble


and

i am
confused
about what is the bigger lie?

the jamaica we must believe in
to be able to enjoy the vacation
without guilt
the jamaica
of blue oceans and white sand?
or
the north america we propagate to them
of richness, opportunity and harmony?